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Why do otherwise good women feel the need to manipulate guys?

I get why pure evil women do so. For fun. For power. For the thrill of getting guys to fight one another for her honour/amusement/whatever.

I get why popular women are hard to reach or spend time with - because everyone else wants them, and I have no chance with anyone who has 900 friends already.

But when a friend of five years does this to me, I have to wonder if her motives were ever even 1% good.

I met her through a friend, at least a smart guy into science and good music, and she stayed. Of course, her first action as someone who stayed longer than anyone - like, 2 months - was to touch my forearm when I said I was thinking of adding romantic elements to my writing (action-packed stuff). It was the same thing a romance author I met in class at Uni did, so I didn't take much notice.

When she got glasses and braided her hair, and I asked about that, she said she liked to pretend to be a nerd to lure boys in. "I'm a nerd, tee hee!". Instant dislike. That she stayed proved dedicated to the ruse, I guess, because I think it was the year after that she started with the sexual innuendo, something like "Harder daddy! What?" and that got... a raised eyebrow. At best. I figured she wasn't pure or innocent or even a virgin, it's not like it's a perfect world where virginity is this sacred thing that ONLY gets released on a girl's wedding night, that's the kind of thing idiots believe.

But I did have to re-evaluate her whole angle in being my friend for so long, when two weeks was a record, unless I didn't like them, in which case I couldn't get rid of them soon enough.

"Fill me in" came out of nowhere, and then she suddenly started dancing for joy, and saying we should totally go on a cruise together. While we might have been friends on Facebook by this point, it'd been about 4 years after all, I immediately rejected that and she tried harder to sway me. I realised she either didn't respect me as a friend enough to ask if I'd want to or not, and I think she just wanted me for her own ends, OR she was so drunk on some strange sense of personal victory that she got a reaction that she didn't stop to think if I would even be willing to do that. Especially as we'd never even once been outside the drinking establishment together before. A cruise is nice and all, but if it's me, her, and two random dudes I'd never met before, I knew enough to suspect her motives weren't platonic.

She barely showed up after that, she turned on me when I brought up the idea of doing *something* other than drinking together, and she had the gall to put on an almost waterworks display of "that bitch stole this stool I was minding for you" with fear and anger. Then she stopped talking to me, disappeared for six months, and left me to 2016.

She reappeared once, briefly, after our mutual friend asked me the question "if you were on a tropical island resort for a year, and could spend one day with anyone you like, who would it be?".

She disappeared inside for one drink, claiming she was depressed, and I didn't see her for another four months. And only when a mutual friend was having a birthday there. I then learned that she's been living next door, suburb wise, to where I'm currently living now, all this time and has been house sitting further away in the absence.

I think I get now why it all fell apart. She never bothered to be a friend. She all but demanded I go on a cruise out of some misguided idea of "it'll be good for you" because I "got" some innuendo she delivered ("finally, *someone* got that!") and I realised she wasn't being honest with me. I think that's manipulation.

A major blow-out after a year of taking every other option and then committing to spending time with me only to crash her car that very day finally got to me, and when I realised I'd deleted her and that I would never have a chance like this again to get angry at a girl who wronged me, I let her have it. The secrets and weirdness came pouring out, and the fact she liked me as a friend was the only thing I ever believed about her. "Never had a boyfriend" turned into "that guy I brought around the week after I lied to you to protect your feelings had been a boyfriend before" was pretty much all I needed to hear.

Power plays are stupid and desperate. I knew I was right to trust my gut. I gave this one the benefit of the doubt, and it went even worse than I thought. No I have a policy: treat people based on their actions, not their words. Words can be true, and can be lies, but actions are what matters. If words and actions don't line up, there's something you're hiding, and it won't win you any friends, is the message I have taken away from this 6-year experience. The little group I'd built up in that time, in that place, has now fallen apart. I hope this girl realises that lying to guys is the main reason they don't trust her and that, if she wants to understand them, it has to be sincere or they'll pick up on that and clam up because, contrary to whatever tv dramas etc say, guys aren't always stupid. Fools for falling for manipulators, or seductresses, maybe, but a lie only holds up so long as it's convincing. I knew not to trust her. She wore down my armour a bit, and then struck the weak spot for maximum damage, but then she had the indecency to show her face again, and drag out the feelings of mistrust, and I finally just went nuclear on her web on lies, and the response was gloriously enraged, the kind of response that only a liar who's been caught out will do. An honest woman doesn't get angry like that and "clear things up" in ways that contradict everything, an honest woman admits her faults and talks about herself, instead of hiding behind lies and deception and manipulation and power plays, is the takeaway from this, I feel.

I just wish she'd been as efficient at that as my ex was. One month dating *her* was at least over and done with quickly. It's the long lie that poisons the most. Especially when you're happiest each time the liar disappoints me.

Sometimes, bitches really do be cray.
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Submitted on
January 12


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